As I write I’m feeling less patient with this process and wanting to give it all up and go back to a life that seemed somehow easier.
Having said yesterday that I was sleeping well, I awoke this morning while the sky was still dark. And the thought going through my mind was “say something one day and life turns round and plays a different card the next”.
Never mind, it wasn’t as if I was lying awake all night worried about the prospect of today. Because today is about perfect poise, while what I’m writing up here is yesterdays stuff in case I have some illuminating moment in the middle of the night.
I’ve taken a moment to read the section on perfect poise because yesterday I neglected to and didn’t create an intention with the subtleties of the aspect of Inner Calm. I spent the day cultivating a sense of Inner Calm without taking into account the rest of what I’d written about it – the nuances of patience and endurance.
Once I’d posted yesterday and had some breakfast I worked on a job application for a children’s health camp here in Christchurch. As I look back now I see a sense of resignation at the time. That this was something to endure rather than enjoy. And the end result reflected that. It also told me a lot about who I really am and how much of that is hidden. The requirement for the application was to fill out the form correctly. This I did. And on the surface of the application the person reading it would see that I’m a chef. There was space at the end of the form to fill the assessor in on the other things that make me who I am. I have studied many different fields over the last 10 years attending workshops and seminars in several personal and professional development modalities and yet I have no diploma, and very little certification to show for it. Who am I without that?
A lot of the feelings and thoughts that were coming to me yesterday were around letting go completely of my work as a chef. There is still a tug to go back to the safety of that rather than advance boldly in the direction of my dreams.
There is a sense of what Thomas Moore describes as walking the labyrinth. The soul journey can be arduous and full of twists and turns and dead ends. Sometimes it feels like I’ve been in a labyrinth for the last 10 years.
In Greek Mythology Theseus, holding Ariadne’s golden thread so that he can find his way out again, walks into the labyrinth to slay the Minotaur .
There’s been times when I feel as though I’ve dropped the golden thread and on the dirt floor searching for it so I may continue my journey. Maybe if I’d let go of being a chef earlier my life would have changed sooner. Maybe. I’ll never know. Having stayed in the trade opened a door in my mind to see cooking processes as having relevance in the field of self development.
Why hasn’t it come together and taking off? I’m still in the labyrinth. I may even be in the process of slaying the Minotaur. Perhaps the Minotaur doesn’t need slaying but rather integrating.
A white bull was gifted to the Minos the King of Crete by Poseidon. Minos decided to keep the bull and sacrifice one of his own herd instead. He did not honour what he had committed to with Poseidon.
In time his wife became attracted to the bull and conspired with Daedalus to build a wooden cow. The cow was a decoy in which she secreted herself that she might mate with the bull. The Minotaur was the fruit of their loins. The Minotaur had the head and tail of a bull and the body of a man. Daedalus went on to build the labyrinth to house the monster he had played a part in creating.
From one perspective I might see that the Minotaur representing the lies I tell myself and the courage it takes to stop those lies. Am I being bull-headed about the process of my life? Am I honouring the calling of my higher self?