Working with Qualities of the Soul: Madness

I had completed my blog for the day. It’s been taking two or three hours to get my blog to a point where it is in a shape for posting. So the day is almost half gone by the time I get the post up and then move into the rest of the day.

Parts of the day, small parts are spent going round and round in my head – What’s happening here? Why am I not getting any offers of work? When am I going to get some money going into my account? When am I going to get a ring from the credit card people, the telecom people, the bank? I was honest with the companies I had outstanding debt with. I see what is most important in life. Shelter and food. Those are the two things that are in focus when my financial wellbeing wasn’t so well. Paying the rent. Putting food on the table. There has even been a week when paying the rent went out the window.

The whole experience I’d describe as a madness. Why have I allowed this to happen? What is it that I am seeing within myself as I make this passage? I had a similar experience over the Xmas period 2007-2008 but I had some holiday pay to carry me through. There was uncertainty then, though nothing compared to this time. I consciously stopped that facility through my pay earlier in the year. What was I doing – saying to the universe show me the worst?

If  I’m appearing mad to myself how are others experiencing me? Do they think I’m mad? I’ve noticed a sort of coolness in some. And I wonder about that. Others are supportive, being with me through the process.

It has been interesting watching what has been going on inside of me as I notice the way my son has been tackling the same no work space. I notice my frustration as I sense he’s not giving all he has to the process and I wonder how much of that is me not giving my all to my life. How much of this madness has to do with my not being all I am meant to be? How much of this madness has to do with fear? Of not being or doing enough with my life.

Enough about those areas. There were good things going on as well. I visited my friend whose house I helped paint. We’ve been working on a business proposal for a while now that has had its share of challenges. We were finalising a flyer. We had talked about paying for distribution but as we considered it further we thought we deliver them ourselves. Will keep our costs down. So all good to go with that.

From there I went to a planning and assessment seminar at Work and Income. I’d collected some of the bits and pieces they wanted me to bring but had neglected a few things so I wasn’t overly confident that there was going to be any change to the situation there. As I was going in I was receiving texts from the temping agency I’d signed up with saying they had work for me. It was all happening. It kind of felt surreal here I was signing up for unemployment and receiving calls about jobs at the same time. The madness of it all.

And other things began opening up also. Just bumping into people I hadn’t seen for weeks. I’m not sure whether this process has changed me or that something else on a more global perspective changed. I am moving again at least financially. And I’m committed to sharing myself through my blog.

Life is too precious. I thought about not connecting when I saw people on the street that I knew. I considered just biking on to my appointment. Life is much more satisfying when I stopped to smell the flowers along the way. In  a metaphorical sense people are flowers – they bloom when treated to some positive attention – a smile, a hug, recognition. When the sun of a smile, of recognition, of a hug shine on me I can’t help but return the compliment.

Life is good.

Blessings to you.


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