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  • Sacred Sorrow: The Sacred Wound Part Four

    A wise old proverb says, “God comes to see us without bell;” that is, as there is no screen or ceiling between our heads and the infinite heavens, so there is no bar or wall in the soul, where man, the effect, ceases, and God, the cause, begins. The walls are taken away. We lie open on one side to the deeps of spiritual nature, to the attributes of God. Justice we see and know, Love, Freedom, Power. These natures no man ever got above, but they tower over us and most in the moment when our interests tempt us to wound them.

    Ralph Waldo Emerson.

    What if our higher selves were – at every moment seeking the most potent expression of our existence? What if it was asking us to create the reality that was in the best interests of not only humans but all the beings that inhabit Planet Earth? I know I have been procrastinating as I consider this post and what meaning there might be behind it. Procrastinating? I’m not so sure now. Every time I come back to work on this I look at it and seem to be blocked. There’s just something about it that won’t allow me to move forward with it. I had hoped to expand on the reference to the enneagram I left at the end of Part Two of these series of posts. I made a start and yet each time I came back to it I’d look at it and it’d look back at me and there’d be nothing going on. Uninspired – I was blocked.

    The enneagram is full of complexity, follows many nuances of character. I doubt whether I would have done it justice within one post and I certainly don’t have the depth of understanding that would enable me to talk intelligently and fluently over another series of posts. The enneagram is one of many great tools to use if you are seeking understanding about yourself and your motivations. I gained some insights into myself through reading and maybe if I’d dedicated myself to it I may have found a path to enlightenment. I don’t know if I have some sort of spiritual attention deficit or whether I’m looking for a simpler path, but I found myself leaving that behind and seeking other ways. I’m not sure I felt it at the time but now it seems life is complex enough without following someone else’s ideas about finding enlightenment. I did the reading, talked about what I found, discovered as I said in the earlier post that I sat at point five on the enneagram, and wasn’t sure I liked being pigeon-holed. I guess being “the Thinker” I find it easy to get lost in ideas and the seeking of wisdom in books, while all the time it waits for me to get out there to physically embrace life and find my own wisdom through experience.

    As I sit here, dealing another hand of Mah-jong, I’m visited by a spider. I seem particularly sensitive to its path across my hand. And I flick it off. Hardly exemplary behaviour seeing as I favour the Buddhist philosophy of doing no harm to any living thing.

    The story of Robert the Bruce and the spider springs to mind. Robert sought the answer to whether he should continue fighting the English. What am I seeking the answer to as I follow this trail through the Sacred Wound and should I continue? Am I clutching at straws? Seems the Spider thinks I am on the right track as he has taken his leave of me.

    It seems this post has been slowly coming into focus over several months, since December, in fact. And paradoxically what has now come into focus is mist. While road tripping to Mount Cook with my daughter I was touched by a synchronicity as I listened to the retelling of a Maori myth and heard a piece of native wisdom. It is said that Mt Cook or Aoraki as it called by the Maori is a place of Spiritual Enlightenment and it is hard not to be awe-struck by the grandeur of the place.

    Mt Cook
    Mt Cook

    The first time I visited Aoraki I was blessed with an uninterrupted view of the mountain. This second time the weather seemed against us. From the vantage of the hotel the mountain was covered in mist. Having observed this phenomenon, the tohunga, their spiritual leaders discovered the wisdom for their chiefs of not always being available for the tribe, of having time away. Wisdom also is not in full view. It must be found in our encounters with life.

    We sought a closer view the following day and were rewarded. So it is with enlightenment itself. It is said by some that we are already enlightened we just have to remember it is so. And yet sometimes the face of the mountain, the face of enlightenment is shrouded in mist. It is easy to get lost during those times, to forget we’re always a spark of the divine and then to create trauma for ourselves and others, tearing open the fabric of the soul. This tear may become the sacred wound in its turn opening you or the other to the possibilities of a benevolent soul consciousness.

    The myth I heard told the story of Aoraki and his three brothers, off-spring of the Sky Father – Rakinui and Maori Earth Mother, Papatuanuku. They had set sail voyaging round Papatuanuku when their canoe ran aground on a reef. They climbed on the top side of the canoe, but the wind rose from the south freezing them, turning them to stone. The canoe became the South Island, “Te waka o Aoraki”. Aoraki being the tallest of the brother’s, became Aoraki the mountain, and his three brothers the peaks surrounding him. The rest of the crew became the Southern Alps, the mountain range for which the South Island is famous.

    As I pondered this the words of Emerson came into focus. From an enlightened perspective there are possibly no greater attributes than those he speaks of in that quote – Justice, Love, Freedom and Power. Just as those mountains tower over us so do those values. They’re something to aspire to. In the routine of our lives it is easy to lose sight of these aspirations. I guess these aspirations are what bring us to study the concepts contained in the enneagram and other systems of spiritual guidance.

    Each of these aspirations lies on a continuum, Justice-Injustice, Love-Fear, Freedom-Slavery, and Power-Impotence.  I feel impotent in the face of what the earthquake has wrought. I had my year mapped out – an exit strategy for my job, a move into something new. All this is on hold for now. This opened up a feeling of slavery to the job I was already in and on-going frustration with the mundane nature of the tasks ahead of me. As I read these words now I’m touched by a sense of injustice. That an earthquake can affect not only the physical, but also the mental and emotional is a testament to the power of nature. And my lot is nothing to what others have endured. It brings me back to gratitude and humility. Is it fear that holds me in place, keeping me safe until I’m ready? Or can I venture something new now, generated from the passion in my soul for transformation.


  • Sacred Sorrow: The Sacred Wound Part One

    Apologies to all who felt I’d left them hanging at the end of the last post. I’m told they wanted to know how I was wreaking inhumanity upon myself. I reread it and thought perhaps it wasn’t enough to know that a person feels this way. Or do we have a fascination for the methods of a person’s undoing? It seems so when we glance at the covers of any women’s magazine or tabloid newspaper. In the wake of the undoing what do they do to rebuild their lives? Noting that the Sacred Wound was the next installment in this series of posts I felt that the hanging was a perfect segue into it.

    The Sacred Wound for me is a tear in the fabric of the soul caused by a traumatic event. This could occur at any time during our lives and open us to what may seem initially to be a Pandora’s box of experience and yet also contain that which remained in her box – hope. Hope of an increased soul consciousness, of heartfelt connection to all divine sparks that exist in this universe.

    The best discussion I’ve found on the net in regard to the Sacred Wound is at Lightworkers.Org. It gives a comprehensive outline to a subject that is really an abstract concept. Anyhow….

    Spring is in full swing, new beginnings, new life sprouting. A time to trim the threads lank and frayed by the depths of winter, cutting away that which has served its purpose and splicing what is still strong back into our lives.

    All this talk of threads and hanging has me considering rope more deeply. Ostensibly the twisting of hemp firstly into strings and then three strands are twisted together to form rope. Metaphorically I see the whole rope symbolising our physical existence and the three strands representing the emotional, intellectual, and spiritual attributes we all carry with us. Life is a constant twisting of the strands together allowing ourselves to be fully connected. It reminds me of the helical nature of DNA. Rope is used to bind, to secure, to attach. And it tangles.

    My obsession with MASH at present has not left me and I find I’m seeing threads in the stories that have left me feeling that those episodes were somehow unfinished.

    I‘ve been guilty of leaving things hanging. I have attached threads to those I have been in relationship with and have not had the sense to consciously detach myself from them. I have become entangled in these threads and by allowing this I have metaphorically hung myself in my relationships. The threads I’ve left hanging in the external have been the unravelling of my inner world.

    In New Zealand we have the Plunket Society who provide support services for children under 5 years old. Families had a Plunket Nurse who would monitor the development of the child. Their progress would be written in up in a Plunket book including graphs of their growth. A few years ago my mother gave this book to me and browsing through it I noticed that from the age of 6 months my graph went into a decline. Until then the graph described a straight line upwards, after, it began to fall off. I asked her about this. She said that at the time they’d left me with my grandparents while they attended a wedding in another part of the country. I imagine this to be my sacred wound. A sense of abandonment perhaps. I have no recollection, no memory of it except this record of a decline. And yet I have a strong sense this played out in my relationships. That when I felt a sense of abandonment or neglect, a severing of a bond, then I would go into a decline and seek that bond in someone else. I see now that it became the end of my marriage and other relationships into which I entered.

    I remember during my marriage developing an emotional though unrequited attachment with a co-worker. But not consciously detaching from that previous entanglement I came to point in a subsequent relationship where the thought of meeting her again and the hope of reciprocated feelings led me to exit that relationship. It remained unrequited and a period of grief followed.

    Grief for what? Grief because this was my Sacred Wound insisting I look more closely at it? Grief because I had betrayed the essence of love? Grief because love requires me to love myself first before surrendering to relationship for a fuller expression? Or all of these things?

    I return to MASH and one episode sticks in my mind…. In it they explore a soldier afflicted by hysterical paralysis. Nothing is physically wrong with the patient but he is unable to move his lower body. He has feet of clay. In face of an enemy attack he is absolutely frozen with fear. The method of treatment is doing nothing for the patient until he breaks through and begins to take responsibility for himself and goes back to the fighting. The fear is that if sent home instead of returning to the front guilt will overwhelm him and affect the rest of his life. A line at the end of Black Hawk Down fills this out further – one of the soldiers says to another that war is not about politics or ideologies, its about the guy next to you. This was the wound experienced by the soldier in the MASH episode, doing nothing to look after the guys next to him, the guilt of this causing his hysterical paralysis.

    Having not experienced war first hand this is all supposition from me and yet I get the feeling that war is a collective sacred wound.

    I’m aware that this is somehow unfinished but there is a second part to come….




  • Working with Qualities of the Soul: Madness

    I had completed my blog for the day. It’s been taking two or three hours to get my blog to a point where it is in a shape for posting. So the day is almost half gone by the time I get the post up and then move into the rest of the day.

    Parts of the day, small parts are spent going round and round in my head – What’s happening here? Why am I not getting any offers of work? When am I going to get some money going into my account? When am I going to get a ring from the credit card people, the telecom people, the bank? I was honest with the companies I had outstanding debt with. I see what is most important in life. Shelter and food. Those are the two things that are in focus when my financial wellbeing wasn’t so well. Paying the rent. Putting food on the table. There has even been a week when paying the rent went out the window.

    The whole experience I’d describe as a madness. Why have I allowed this to happen? What is it that I am seeing within myself as I make this passage? I had a similar experience over the Xmas period 2007-2008 but I had some holiday pay to carry me through. There was uncertainty then, though nothing compared to this time. I consciously stopped that facility through my pay earlier in the year. What was I doing – saying to the universe show me the worst?

    If  I’m appearing mad to myself how are others experiencing me? Do they think I’m mad? I’ve noticed a sort of coolness in some. And I wonder about that. Others are supportive, being with me through the process.

    It has been interesting watching what has been going on inside of me as I notice the way my son has been tackling the same no work space. I notice my frustration as I sense he’s not giving all he has to the process and I wonder how much of that is me not giving my all to my life. How much of this madness has to do with my not being all I am meant to be? How much of this madness has to do with fear? Of not being or doing enough with my life.

    Enough about those areas. There were good things going on as well. I visited my friend whose house I helped paint. We’ve been working on a business proposal for a while now that has had its share of challenges. We were finalising a flyer. We had talked about paying for distribution but as we considered it further we thought we deliver them ourselves. Will keep our costs down. So all good to go with that.

    From there I went to a planning and assessment seminar at Work and Income. I’d collected some of the bits and pieces they wanted me to bring but had neglected a few things so I wasn’t overly confident that there was going to be any change to the situation there. As I was going in I was receiving texts from the temping agency I’d signed up with saying they had work for me. It was all happening. It kind of felt surreal here I was signing up for unemployment and receiving calls about jobs at the same time. The madness of it all.

    And other things began opening up also. Just bumping into people I hadn’t seen for weeks. I’m not sure whether this process has changed me or that something else on a more global perspective changed. I am moving again at least financially. And I’m committed to sharing myself through my blog.

    Life is too precious. I thought about not connecting when I saw people on the street that I knew. I considered just biking on to my appointment. Life is much more satisfying when I stopped to smell the flowers along the way. In  a metaphorical sense people are flowers – they bloom when treated to some positive attention – a smile, a hug, recognition. When the sun of a smile, of recognition, of a hug shine on me I can’t help but return the compliment.

    Life is good.

    Blessings to you.

  • Working with Aspects of the Soul: Intuition

    Working with intuition seems difficult as I continue to face financial challenge. Often I am pre-occupied with a knot of fear in my stomach and as I follow that rather than opening to my heart I remain a little stuck. Doing, focusing on what is required for my physical self seems to take me away from that knot and yet it returns when my thoughts turn inward again. I’m feeling it now as I begin this post.

    What is the fear? Why am I wasting my time doing this when I should be out finding a job, earning money, putting food on the table, moving away from relying on the goodwill of my family and friends. At the same time there is a deep and sincere gratitude for their support over this period.

    Having said that intuition had a large part to play as my blog unfolded yesterday. Not simply getting in there and doing it but going back and googling A Beautiful Mind clarified the truth about the story which gave me a new trail to follow.

    I kept reminding myself throughout the day to be feel connected to intuition. I carried the sensation of connection to the void during my conscious connected breathing session on Friday of being in the light. My physical self felt more poised.

    My first task of the day to pick up my daughter from the airport. As I drove out there I seemed to be in perfect alignment with time. I was trusting that I’d arrive there and she’d be waiting to go. At Christchurch airport you have 20 mins free parking before you have to pay. I parked and got to the terminal there was a little delay and then she was on the stairs. Once we’d connected I quickly excused myself to get the car. Perfect – no charge.

    Visited my Mum and Dad to catch them up with their granddaughter. Got home and my son had breakfast lining up – couldn’t have written that one in the plan. Headed off to the Mall and we went separate ways.

    Perfect opportunity to allow a finer tuned experience of intuition. I allowed that void experience to be present and decided on the shop I felt she’d be. I went there and she wasn’t. Never mind I wandered around remaining open to pick up any hunch. She’d said she was in the market for a pair of shorts and I walked past all the places I felt might be a place where she’d shop. It was when I returned to my original hunch that she wandered up. She’d been sidetracked to sleepwear.

    Another interesting experience when in the afternoon I was back at the same Mall with my son and his friend in tow as well. We were walking back to the car where I’d expected them to be – I’d seen them walking that way. I got back to the car and they weren’t. They’d been in the Mall and walked from the other side towards us and I’d missed them. My expectations coloured my experience of intuition. I needed to let go of expectation.

    Hindsight too is a wonderful thing. I looked after my nephews that night. And the eldest is having some difficulty sleeping at the moment. I was having some quiet time with the tv and when he got out of bed I’d try to allay his fears – yes I’ll send Mummy in when she gets home etc. I won’t say I should’ve used another way. The intuitive hindsight was that I’d’ve been better to sit down with him and talk him through it – find out what was really bothering him. There are NLP practitioners that live quite close to him that could work with that sleeplessness process in a more focused way than me. I’ll suggest it.

    This is the final post with regard to working with Aspects of the Soul. When I followed a similar process we repeated each aspect 3 times to intensify its presence in our consciousness.

    Creating intention in the morning and following through later in the evening or early the next day by journaling is an ongoing process as we sift through our experiences  to discover what works and what doesn’t.

    On my next post I’ll be working with the Qualities of the Soul in the same as I have for the Aspects.


  • Working with Aspects of the Soul: Sharing

    As always the world is a perfect reflection for me. I stayed over at my sister and her husband’s place after the gathering on Friday night. I allowed the weekend to unfold. I was asked if I’d like to go with them to Akaroa where my brother Stephen was going to spend his holidays. I said yes.

    Though I had nothing monetary to contribute I had to allow myself to be shared with. I’m finding it exceedingly difficult not being able to offer goods towards the cause. I managed to round the seven children up and get them away to the park with some assistance to give the mothers a break.

    And contributing with preparation of food and cleaning. And yet I felt like I hadn’t given enough. I had an interesting conversation with my brother and brother in law when I shared how I was feeling about what I was doing with my life and where I wanted to take it. I was aware of some of the literature about change and having some of those closest to us offering the most resistance. And here it was.

    Had I attracted that with my thoughts? That idea had certainly focused my attention when I had read it. I wonder how I may be affecting my reality at this point by focusing on my perceived lack of monetary resources. And yet I feel something strengthening within. Something deeper that doesn’t want to lie down and give up. That wants to see me arrive at the fullest expression of my life as it has been building to this point.

    Life seems to want more from me otherwise I’d not have created such a challenging obstacle for myself. An image that came to me over the weekend was that of a butterfly, struggling to throw off the bonds of its chrysalis. As it moves inside the chrysalis it is building the muscles required to not only break open its cocoon but also once in the open to be able to fly, to open its beautiful wings unto the world. In creating situations for ourselves whether we are conscious of them or not we allow the strengthening of the muscles of our awareness and create the perfect vehicle for breaking into a more beautiful expression of who we truly are on this physical plane of existence.

    Another idea that I was present to was how perfect the internet is for us to experience the law of attraction. We Google something and often there are millions of results to choose from. The world is sharing itself with itself. Another beautiful expression of consciousness. The more we refine our search the less options we are given. The more we focus our attention the closer we get to what it is we really wish to receive. Whatever we are wishing to experience it is right here. The world is a perfect reflection of what we are experiencing within our minds.

  • Working with Aspects of the Soul: Joy and Happiness

    ….work not for joy, but towards it; not for reward, but from an inner disposition to serve; not for gratitude but from the urge that comes from having seen the vision and realization of the part you have to play in bringing the vision down to earth.
    Alice A. Bailey The Soul The Quality of Life

    I’d love to tell you the day was full of complete joy and happiness. That just wasn’t the case. It is now Sunday night and it was Friday morning when I posted last. There was a sense of satisfaction when I completed that. And the process was enjoyable yet tinged with a time challenge I had an appointment at 9am. Eventually got there at 9.15.

    I met the friend with whom I underwent the rite of VisionQuest – a 96 hour meditation and fast in nature. She had received some photos from one of the staff who had supported our Quest and with whom she had since become friends. I felt the happiness of reliving fond memories. It is up there as one of the highlights of my life. I am still coping with the challenge of having no regular income and I felt relief when she invited me to do a little house painting for which she’d pay me. I feel privileged to have friends and family supporting this process at the moment which I know is only temporary.

    We also discussed the program we’ve been working on together and it inched it’s way forward as we made some decisions to work with what we have rather than waiting til it seems absolutely perfect. You’ll be sure to hear how it unfolds over he next couple of weeks.

    Following that I had another meeting scheduled and the person was running a little behind. What could have become a frustrating situation was an opportunity to remind myself of the day’s intention and flow with it. I spent the time sitting under a tree with a book on awareness and doing the exercises outlined therein. Very illuminating. And finding myself being at peace with what is. More of what could have been frustration arrived as we were meeting with others arriving. More opportunity opening up as the little knowledge I have regarding the internet is in fact exponentially more than others have understanding of and so I offered to serve.

    Following that I headed out to a family gathering. Every couple of years the family comes home – well the ones that live outside of Christchurch anyway. My parents, my sister and brother and I don’t have far to travel. I have a brother in Australia with his family and another living in the North Island. When we gather we have the best time. I can’t say we’re totally dynamic free but we don’t get caught up in the stickiness of some family dynamics and this allows us to just be together and have an awesome time. Most of the grandchildren were there and that adds to the carnival atmosphere as well. I guess that’s part of the ultimate vision to know that we here to enjoy Planet Earth and while on the surface there wasn’t a facade of absolute ecstasy throughout the day there was that deep sense of contentment of being part of a diverse and wonderful family. Thank you, thank you, thank you .